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One thing I noticed as the key ingredient for most "miracle cure" weight loss diets, pills, and programs is that little asterisk at the bottom that says "*with proper diet and exercise." E.g.

• THE PENCIL ERASER DIET: if you write "I will be thin" on a piece of paper 20 times a day with my special "Fat Buster Pencil" and erase five of them with my special "Fat Buster Eraser" (both available on sale for $75 each), you will be GUARANTEED to lose weight* (*with proper diet and exercise).

• THE AMAZON SHIPPING LIST DIET: If you buy me random things from my Amazon Shopping list, you are GUARANTEED to lose weight* (*with proper diet and exercise).

• THE BIG BOOTY GIRL DIET: If you look at the butt of a big booty girl for 30 days straight, you are GUARANTEED to lose weight* (*with proper diet and exercise).

So the deal is... save yourself a couple of bucks and (being smacked in the face by some big booty girl) and just cut to the chase and eat a proper diet and get some exercise.

At my heaviest, I weighed 391 pounds. My goal is to weigh under 200 pounds, even if it's 199.99 pounds... although I am aiming for 172 pounds. 172 pounds. From 391 pounds. That is a weight loss of 219 pounds... which is more than HALF MY BODY WEIGHT. That is a whole person I'm trying to lose. It is a daunting proposition and one that seems virtually impossible to achieve, and I am constantly bombarding myself with defeatist, negative thoughts. Thoughts of just finding some cute big boy outfits, going to Pizza Hut, and calling it a day.

But I do remember a member in my weight loss management program who lost 225 pounds who remarked that she did not, in all actuality, lose 225 pounds, she lost one pound, 225 times. I think about that every day, and every week I weigh in. Just lose that one pound. That's all you need. You're doing well. It's similar to a member of AA who takes their recovery one day at a time. Soldiers, just take it one pound at a time... we can do that...

One of the many benefits of my weight loss management program is the decriminalization of food. You can have whatever you want... just in moderation. There are no "bad" foods, only "bad" choices. But still... those bad choices... can catch up with you. And while a piece of chocolate cake, a slice of pizza, or a fried chicken leg might not mean anything to a "civilian," it can be triggering to those of us in the program, and that piece of cake might turn into two cakes, that slice of pizza might turn into the whole pizza, and the accompanying buffalo wings. The fried chicken leg... the whole bucket.

So yeah, the goal is to avoid those triggers. But if you just so happen to be human, and screw up, as humans are known to do... it's okay. It's part of the process. Learn from your mistakes... maybe not the WHOLE cake next time...

I remember in one of the meetings of my weight management program, the group leader saying, "Drink as much water and eat as many vegetables as you can. There is no such thing as drinking too much water and eating too many vegetables. Just go for it."

Now this was Los Angeles after all, so naturally there was one a$$hole in the group who stood defiantly proclaiming, "But you CAN drink too much water! You CAN eat too many vegetables! Too much of anything is bad for you! You can get hyponatremia! You can get carotenemia!" To wit, the group leader said in the brightest and peppiest of tones, to a room filled with people weighing anywhere between 300 and 500 pounds each, "Ok! Show of hands! How many people are here, looking to lose weight because they gained weight by drinking way too much water and eating way too many vegetables?" Of course, the room went silent. She eventually said to the guy in an even more effervescent tone, "Drink as much water and eat as many vegetables as YOU can!"

I remember after the meeting, I was chatting with that guy, and he was unsatisfied with the answer. I remember chucking to him, "Dude, I DARE you to get hyponatremia!" Together we damn near weighed half a ton. "I DARE you to eat TOO MUCH lettuce!" He wasn't satisfied with that either.

Lesson One: Don't be an a$$hole

Lesson Two: Feel free to drink as much water as you can (in reason) and vegetables are our friends

Because of the popularity of Ozempic and other GLP-1 medications, the misconception is that those prescriptions are a guaranteed fail-safe for permanent weight loss. The same was true back when gastric bypass and gastric sleeve surgeries became in vogue.

The inconvenient truth is that, despite all the advances in technology and medications available, at the end of the day, you STILL have to do the work. And as anyone who has gone under the knife or taken shots can tell you, it doesn't mean anything if you don't put in the work. Many people regain the weight they lost and then some after surgery because they did not alter their diet and exercise plans accordingly.

On average, Ozempic accounts for a 5-7% weight loss over approximately a year, while Tirzepatide accounts for a 22% loss, and both are typically prescribed ony for people with Type II diabetes. These are tools, not miracle cures. The rest... is up to you. There are no shortcuts, and there is a distinct difference between assistance and charity.

Which is why it always annoys me when people make disparaging comments about celebrities or friends who have lost a significant amount of weight and automatically assume it was due to a single Ozempic shot. I guess I equate it to the current misinformation about DEI programs. Like... they HELP... but you still have to do the work...

There used to be a Carl's Jr. commercial where a guy was walking through the produce aisle at his local grocery store and poking at the vegetables as if he were on a strange and odd new land. I understood his pain. Most dudes go from their mom cooking for them, to their girlfriends, to their wives. Left to our own devices, we would eat ice cream and pizza every day. Well, at least this dude did. Did I mention I used to be 391 pounds? Did I mention I have Type II diabetes? (Did I mention I never had a girlfriend and went straight from my mom to Pizza Hut with random dudes for 30 years?)

If you've never cooked or never cooked "consistently", it can be a daunting task. But it's not as complicated as it seems. And as your confidence can grow with obtaining control over your weight, the same is true when you gain control over what you eat. And we're talking about small changes that don't necessarily require you to be a contestant on Master Chef. Maybe boiling some whole wheat spaghetti with a low-sugar spaghetti sauce. Throwing a skinless, boneless chicken breast into the air fryer and stir-frying vegetables. Almond milk with bran cereal. And it doesn't have to be all at once, and it doesn't have to be perfect. It just needs a little effort, so you're not walking around the produce aisle like Ripley looking at Xenomorph hatchlings at the end of "Aliens."